The depth of my insanity or what a girl wants!!!

It truly amazes me that one moment I can be totally and utterly content with my singleness and then in the next moment, I can be overly interested in finding a relationship. I can not seem to find what it is that I really want. I know that deep down I would love to find someone wonderful to share my life and time with but, in a way I just don't know if I am ready for that. There are parts of the committed relationship that I am looking for and other parts that I just don't want to have to deal with.

For instance I am becoming quite content with myself by myself. I don't have to ask anyone when or where I can do something and that feels good. I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings because I forgot to call them or went out with my girls. I just I just don't want to give up my freedom. I guess for too long I have noticed that people stop being themselves when they find someone to share their life with and when they lose that person or even when that person stays the life is drained from them.

I know that if I was to ever find someone that they would have to be close to me in how I think relationships should be. I believe that love isn't having to be together 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but if we had to be, we could enjoy it for the most part. I would like to have someone who would cherish me but not be afraid of breaking me. I am a strong and brave woman who could stand next to her man in thick and thin and still be soft enough to cuddle with. I feel that love shouldn't have to be forced, if the one I wanted was too needy of me I couldn't take it. I need him to have just as much of a life as me because I want him to constantly be living and learning new things so that we can share our new experiences. I would like someone who could encourage me to change and grow and learn.
I am probably looking for a lot but, I figure I will have to compromise and so should he.

Finally, when it comes to looks I am not very picky, I have liked man from all different ethnicities, backgrounds, and even lifestyles. I would love a man who is diverse when it comes to what he knows. I would like a man that was confident about how he looks even if he has a tire or is losing his hair. I would like someone who looks at me and sees my beauty and helps me to blossom more because I see my beauty in his eyes when he looks at me.

I think I want a lot but in a way it's not because I expect to be just as committed to giving as I am to taking someone who can stand toe to toe with me and love me enough to listen to me and share in my knowledge as well as his.

OK THIS WAS TRUE rambling but that's ok. I will edit later. :)

What is love?

I know what a trite and cliche question. However what is love? Can someone fall in love with you the minute they see your face? Can someone pledge their devotion to you after only one conversation? How can someone be in love when not even a day has pasted before they say I love you or will you marry me. } I have been trying those online dating services and I have discovered that people's ideas about love are so twisted. Now on one hand here in America I am not seen as a great catch. I am everyone's best girl friend and I am the one that everyone talks to, I am short and cute and have a great personality(I know the words of death) but I truly believe it. Guys love to hang around me but date me oh no forget it. I am not 5"11 (4'11) I am not blonde (dark brown hair) I am not skinny (curvaceous or voluptuous), and I definitely am not white (ebony diva). Now here is the thing in Africa I could have 6 men falling at my feet pledging their undying love and devotion in under and hour but in America I am lucky if they hold the door open for me. } I guess to me it's just odd that so many of us say that we don't look for looks and that beauty fades. However, when we first take a look we know right away if it's love? I figure discovering love for me will happen slowly and it will probably be someone that I have actually gotten to know( over at least several months time). I know that others believe it is true and possible but I think that we have to rely on more then just a glimpse after all if you get to know me you will realize that my beauty runs deep and it will not fade.

I love to smile because it makes people wonder what I am up to!

So my thoughts on how I can become deliberately happy and single today:
I am complete and special as I am. I am lovable and deserving, of a lifetime of love from a special man. In God's time his face will be revealed, but until then God's love will be my fill.

Sunday Sunday

YEAH!!!!!!! I have finally found inspiration for my friend's poem. It is so hard to write something for a friend because I want it to be perfect. I want it to express what I hear in her voice when she talks about her fiance. The love that she feels can be felt and touched even though I am only talking to her on the phone. I hope some day I will find someone that makes my voice glow like that. Love is truly a beautiful thing.

Ok, next topic number 9 on my things to do list learn how to play an instrument. I don't know what instrument yet but I want to learn one. I use to sing and now I don't anymore so who knows maybe the instrument will be my voice. Well that's a short but sweet one today.

Tried it, let's go again!

Today, I got the chance to climb a rock wall. I didn't get to climb very far but I was fun. I think the next time I will try and climb higher and longer. It definitely works on the leg and arm muscles. Ten things I would like to try including rock climbing again:

1. ROCK climbing
2. Cardio Kick boxing
3. Singing on a Stage in front of an audience
4. Having a bit part on TV or in a movie(what a kick that would be)
5. Taking a trip on a plan just for the heck of it
6. Go to London, Italy, Rome, Ireland, Scotland, and many other places.( I have already been to London and I plan to go back).
7. Take Salsa, Swing or some form of dance that's fun and exciting.
8. Write and publish a book, whether it be poetry or short story or children's book.
9 and 10. I will have to fill these two in later because I think I want to surprise myself.

I figure the best things in life come when you less expect it so I will not expect but anticipate.

Ah to try new things!

I am working on trying new adventures in my life and learning new things. I have for a long time taken the safest way and I am looking to stop being so safe. I am not looking to be something other then me, but to be more then the me that I am right now.
What I mean by that is I know the talents and treasures I have inside of me and I know that I have a gift to share with the world. I am trying to stop being so afraid so that I can discover and learn how to take jumps, leaps and risks so that I can learn more about myself and things I enjoy.